What if......

I am aware that I haven't blogged for months and firstly I wanted to check in and update on why this is but I also wanted to share some insight I have just gained.

In the back end of 2015 I realised I needed to face up to some stuff that I had been avoiding for a number of years.  In April this year I started therapy for the relationship abuse I experienced in my teens and again in my 20s and early 30s.  I had done work in the past but I knew there was more to be dealt with.

I am about half way through the process and things have not gone how I expected.

Up until the end of last year I didn't think there was any more work to do.  I had moved on from hating the boy that I first had a relationship with to understanding that he himself was a victim of abuse and, for the most part, forgiving him for what happened in those 2 years.  I didn't want anything to do with him, but I no longer hated him.

I had also worked through how I felt about my second relationship, understanding that I had allowed it to happen as a result of my first and my low self esteem.  I felt I had forgiven myself for allowing it to happen.  And yet I still experienced the lasting effects of their abuse.

Just leaving this here....

As I waited for my first session I considered what I wanted from this counselling and hoped that, in finally telling someone what had happened, in being heard and validated, I would feel better and all would be well.  When I walked into that room that is what I desperately needed... for someone to finally say that yes, my first experience was rape and from then on what I experienced amounted to coercive control, manipulation, and sexual and emotional abuse.  Of course I got that validation and it has helped, but there has been so much more to work on, heal, and move on from.


I realise now that my whole life has been spent making choices that kept me safe.  Safe from the bullies at school, safe from being left by people I loved, safe from the anger of someone I had disappointed, and safe from the wounds abuse causes.   I see now that those choices no longer protect me and that what was once safe is now damaging in itself.  I no longer risk the abuse I once faced, I no longer have to worry about bullies or disappointment, I am no longer in that place.

And so it is time to change 30 years of learned responses, 30 years of fear.  I have to look at myself and see that I can fit into the world in a different way.

This is so much easier said than done.

Today as I hoovered my house I was running the normal self hate program about how I am rubbish at housework, how my house is always a mess and how I suck in general at life as we are told we are supposed to live.  My ponderings continued and I thought about how we are told that there is something that each of us is good at; something we can excel out out in the world, all we have to do is find it.

What if this isn't true?  What if there are people in the world that are not brilliant at anything, simply mediocre at a lot of things?

Our first reaction to this would be to say that it can't be true, that we each have to have a special talent, otherwise what is the point?

But think again... what if you were one of those people who were still seeking that one thing and constantly failing to find it?  How would you feel if someone said "it's ok, you don't need to find it, you are perfect as you are; mediocre is ok"?  What if they said it in a way that you truly believed it?

If you are one of those people just hold those words in your mind... it is ok to be mediocre.... you can be loved as mediocre... is it just me or does a tonne of pressure just fall away?

One of the overriding messages I have lived with from others is "don't disappoint me".  To be safe I have had to be what others wanted me to be, and I had to be good at it.  What if I no longer needed to do that?  What if it really didn't matter that my house isn't a show home?  What if I didn't need to excel at anything and could just be "kinda ok" at a number of things?  How much easier would it be to be the person I am, and not the person society wants me to be?

It's scary letting go of these learned lessons.  It's all well and good having these epiphanies in the safety of solitude, but out there in the world the judgement comes flooding back.

I will continue to walk this path of healing my wounds of the past, there will be a day when I finally feel that it is ok to be me and that I am loved as I am.  I hope we all find that place and can stop trying to be the people society wants us to be.

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.CrystaloakTherpies.co.uk/

My meditation journey... so far

I can imagine when you see that title you're thinking that this will be another one of those boring blogs about how meditation has changed my life.... well, you're hopefully going to be surprised... please, read on.

You see, shock horror, I don't meditate.

That's it, I've come out and said it.  This person who is on a spiritual journey of self discovery and healing does... not... meditate.  Or at least not in the way we are told we should by almost every expert on spirituality, psychology and self development*.  I don't practice mindfulness, transcendental, Osho, Buddhist or any other style designed to quiet the mind and create distance between me and my emotions.


So why is this?  Surely everyone is jumping on this bandwagon and giving it a go.

I have tried, I assure you, I have tried.  And there have been moments when sitting in my room I have found wonderful peace, but more often than not I have found that the silence simply makes the noise louder and my stress levels rise.  I've more often than not come out of those moments of seeking peace more anxious and filled with self hate than when I went in.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have read about meditation, I understand that this is the early stages and I completely accept that there is a theory that if I stuck with it I would come out the other side and find myself staring at the moon over a lake of tranquility.   It is possible that if I was carefully instructed to move through this process I could reach amazing states of mind. Or would I?

I've just been listening to an interesting program on Radio 4 called Out of the Ordinary - Mindfulness and Madness and it has confirmed some of my suspicions regarding this new fashion of mindfulness and meditation; that it is much more complex than we are being told.

Despite my own experiences and the studies mentioned in the program I do actually believe it is a powerful tool... for some.  I also believe that with the right tuition more people can gain a lot from it, but I also believe that for some it is a pathway to more problems than healing.

For me meditation is a tool in a toolbox, just like my Bach Remedies or any of the other healing modalities available.  It works for some but not others.  The problem is, like every other time a new fashion comes along, it becomes unacceptable to admit it doesn't work for you.  Just like when Reiki became popular and was thought to be the magic bullet that would heal the world, for some of us we just don't gel with it.  And you know what, that really is ok.

So, if you are one of those people that wants to progress on your journey but find meditation far too challenging, rather than feel pressured to do it anyway or bad because it must mean you're a failure, just accept that you are different, and that is ok.  Look for other tools that can be used to help you find peace.  I find journalling to be greatly beneficial, others use running, singing, dancing, or crafts as ways to quiet the mind or seek objectivity of their thoughts.  This is your path, walk it your way.

There may be a time when I am in a place where I will try again.  I am not discounting it's benefits at all, just for now though I am going to accept myself as I am and reach for my journal rather than my meditation cushion.

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.CrystaloakTherpies.co.uk/

*For those that are aware that I run a meditation group and think that is crazy, bear in mind that what I do work with is guided visualisation which is also often called meditation but is something quite different.

Are you automatically grumpy?

This time of year is tough for me, as regular readers will know I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and despite all the tools I have at my disposal I still struggle to keep upbeat.

One of the things I do to help is have a flow of inspirational and upbeat posts on my Facebook news feed, I like to have them so I can post to my page but also there is the hope that they will break me out of my funk.  The problem is, my default setting is often set to grumpy.  Not particularly nasty, just... grumpy.  My heart chakra closes, love stops flowing and my automatic response to anything nice and light is a sneer before I scroll on.

Sometimes though I catch myself and I see that this isn't really who I am, this is just me making an automatic response to something that is at a higher frequency than I am managing at this point.  When this realisation comes I have a choice; continue to sneer or raise my vibration by opening my heart and turning off my automatic response.  When I do that I find I can access the part of me that resonates with the cheerful post and I feel so much better.

It's hard to notice but I think so many of us have this automatic grumpy mode.  We simply don't see that our energies have sunk, for whatever reason, and we are coming from a place of a closed heart.

Pay attention to your responses to things, do you really mean what you say or how you react, or is it just a stock response.  If it is, take a moment to really think about what you are responding to; is it possibly coming from a higher frequency than you in this moment?  Use it as an opportunity to lift yourself to that frequency, just for a moment and see how it feels.

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloaktherapies.co.uk/

Accepting our reality - we are here, we need to accept it

When I first started on this spiritual path and learnt about being a lightworker I became aware of a deep and desperate need to "go home"; to return to Spirit.  I found the place I connected to in meditation and when I was doing healing work was so blissful and held so much love for me at a time when I was surrounded by toxic people and a world intent on destroying itself.  Why wouldn't I prefer to be "up there" rather than "down here".

I struggled for years with this homesickness, I just couldn't handle being in such a harsh environment when I knew somewhere else was so much nicer, but the only way to get there was to end it all... and I knew that would not solve the problem.  Believing in reincarnation does that to you, I knew I'd only be back and would have to face it all again.  So I realised I had better get on with learning how to be down here.

So what has changed?

Looking back I realise that there was a paradox at play.  In having a strong desire to be elsewhere I was metaphorically hiding under the bed.  I was using my connection to Spirit to take myself off the earth energetically in the hope of not having to deal with the problems around me.  Rather than helping this actually made me weak and even less able to cope with what life threw at me.

For maybe 5 years now I have been working on being more grounded, more connected to the earth.  I didn't want to do it, I wanted to escape, but I knew that if I was going to progress I needed accept it.  It has been a tough journey at times, many buttons have been pushed and many fears triggered.  I know I have a lot of work still to do, but I realise it has dulled the desperate need to go home.

It seems crazy, working to get closer to the thing that challenges you the most.  When something hurts we are programmed to recoil, to move away from it as fast as possible.  With this we have to face the fear and learn that we are stronger than it.

So how do we do this?  How do we find a way to make being down here easier?

Step 1 - Turn off the news and put the magazine down.... just for a while
Every day we are flooded with messages about how terrible the world is.  We are also led to believe that in taking this on we are somehow helping make a difference. 

I want you to think about one particular thing that is bothering you at the moment in the world.  Maybe it's the immigrant crisis; people drowning in the Med or dying in lorries.  It could be the war in Syria and Iraq or it could be the shrinking of the ice in Alaska.  What are you going to do today that will make a tangible difference to that problem?  How are you going to solve it?  Are you going to donate live changing amounts of money, go and protest, sign up to fight oppression? I don't mean to be harsh but I doubt you will be doing anything.  So what does knowing about it actually achieve other than making you miserable?

I understand we need to know what is happening around us but when it paralyses us with fear it is not helping.  So, for 1 month unplug.  I promise, in that time you won't have made any situation worse but it gives you a clear space to start work.

Step 2 - Remove as many toxic people from your life as possible.
There will always be those people that we are stuck with such as family members and work colleagues, but there are others that we do have a choice about.

This can be a tough one, many lightworkers don't believe they have the right to stand up for themselves and have low self esteem but it is something that has to be done.  You have every right to choose your friends and walk away from anyone who hurts you or makes you feel inferior.  If you can't remove them, like the media, take some time out to give you breathing space.

Step 3 - Start looking for the positive things in life; they are there if you look hard enough.  Websites such as Positive News only report good news and it's quite an eye opener seeing what is happening that the mainstream media is ignoring.

Step 4 - Work on grounding and your lower chakras.
Most lightworkers live in their upper chakras and the chakras below the heart are almost completely forgotten.  It sounds counter intuitive but in working on these and using other grounding techniques we become stronger in our presence down here and more able to handle what the world throws at us.

One of the first things I did was meditate to meet Gaia; the Earth Mother.  In the past my meditations had always focussed on reaching up to that blissful Spirit energy where I could hide from the horrors.  The grounding process had always been a simple hand shake, a necessity because I was taught to do it, there was never any desire to linger before I dashed up out of my body and into that blissful light. 

In meeting, embracing and truly accepting Gaia I found loving, safe energy that I didn't expect.  It was like being held by the most compassionate mother and it brought me to tears.  Although Spirit energy is still the most amazing feeling, knowing Gaia is on my team made a big difference.


I also believe that in starting to learn tai chi and chi kung has helped as that most definitely focusses on being grounded, connected to the earth energy and becoming immovable.

Just recently my guide has changed from my beloved "boy next door" who has been with me all this time to a strong female African warrior.   She challenges me to embrace my strength and physicality in a loving but strong way.

I still have a lot of work to do before I can say I am fully in my body and happy to be here.  Learning to stay grounded and connected to the earth brings challenges but at least I am no longer hiding under the bed desperate to go home.

Visit my website to learn more about my healing practice  

www.CrystaloakTherapies.co.uk/

 

Walking the path of humility

Humility is the ability to know ones own worth without comparing it to others.  It is a deep love and respect for the self but with the ego set aside.  When we let our ego control our self worth we use comparison as a tool: "look how bad that person is, see, I am a good person"?   Or conversely, "that person is so wonderful, I wish I could be as good as them."  Humbleness states "I know my strengths and weaknesses, and that is fine".  There is no comparison to others, just calm and simple self respect.  When we meet someone who has a skill we lack we honour them because we know it doesn't make them better than us.  When someone is nasty we are not harmed by them and we do not judge them because we know that we too have the ability to be nasty and we see the hurt person inside.

For me, learning this balance is a life long journey that I will be walking for some time yet.  Coming from a place of deep self hate and low self esteem it is a long and rocky road.  It started by understanding that not everyone hates themselves like this, and was closely followed by a second helping of self hate when I realised that I even failed at something that looked as simple as loving myself.

The journey brings the highs of realising that other people are less perfect than me and the deep valleys of realising that that simple comparison is also a failure.  There are the pendulum swings between "I am terrible" and "I am amazing" that never seem to pass through "I am enough" for long enough for me to understand how to stay there.

I started to emulate others, only to realise that was fake and would give a veneer of "ok" that would crumble as soon as it was tested.  I tried comparing myself with others so I could pitch myself on a league table of "goodness" until I saw that this was simply my ego taking control again.  And so the journey continues.

This week put me in a situation where I was given the chance to stay in that sweet spot for just a moment.  I won't go into details but I experienced what I believe was someone else going through a similar pendulum swing.  A person I believe is insecure who was acting the big guy to hide it.

Now, the ego would say "look at you, I see through your bullshit and bravado and see the small scared child underneath.  I am so much better than you".  This would be the me that is also the small scared child acting the big guy to hide it.  Instead I thought "oh wow, they're pretending to be big and strong so we don't see the small child.  I could choose to judge or I could choose compassion" 

The ego is still there, niggling, telling me how easy it would be to scorn this person for trying to pretend that they are amazing. But, because there is also the balance of understanding that I too have the same habits. I have hope that this shows I have made some progress.

I also had the chance of an ego boost for the simple fact that I saw what was going on with both of us, and you know what, I'm gonna take it.  Learning humility isn't about accepting how rubbish I am, it's about learning that there are things I am good at and celebrating them.

This is a winding path that forces me to take a cruel look at who I really am and what it really going on.  It shows when my ego had puffed up its chest to protect the rubbish little girl and there is no hiding from it.  The path is so narrow, an abyss of self hate ever present by my side but I am determined to walk it and find the true me that I can love and respect.

Visit my website to learn more about my healing practice  

www.CrystaloakTherapies.co.uk/

 

Why can't we change?

Over the last few months I have embarked on learning about new complementary therapies looking for new ways to grow and change.  I've been listening to Louise L Hay talk about how I can heal my life and Nick Ortner is teaching me about EFT through his book "The Tapping Solution".  I've endeavoured to go back to using the MIR Method and I've been working with the Bach Remedies.  I am even working through a course to become a colour therapist all while learning tai chi.  I'm loving every moment of it and it is all so deeply interesting and enlightening; but I still feel stuck.  Why is this?

So many of us try to improve our lives. We become aware of wounds and negative beliefs that we know are holding us back and there is a booming industry of people wanting to share their ideas on how we can change these.  From the weird to the wonderful there truly is something for everyone; and yet we are still stuck.  We spend hundreds, if not thousands of pounds trying the next thing only to find that we are still in the same place.  Why is this?

I started pondering this the other day, trying to work out why, even though I set a reminder on my computer at work to remind me to do the MIR Method, and it only takes a couple of minutes, I dismiss it every time it comes up without doing it.  Why, with all my Bach training and access to the full set of remedies do I not take them?

It's because, in reality, I am scared to change, and I don't think I am alone in this.

Think about your problems for a moment.  Maybe you hate your job.  Maybe you live with constant pain or anxiety.  Are you in an abusive relationship or unemployed trying to find a job?  Really think about your problems.

Now imagine a door in front of you.  The other side of it is a life without those problems.  Imagine what that life would look like.  Make that picture real in your mind.

Now see yourself opening the door and stepping into that life.  Is it easy?  Do you tear the door open and rush in, or do you hesitate, even just a little bit?

Thinking about this reminds me of a session I had with a counsellor when I was in my early 20s.  I was in a relationship that wasn't working and at the time I was blaming that on the trauma I experienced in my first relationship.  I had been 17 when I started seeing my first boyfriend (let's call him T) and I was very naive and easily manipulated.  T made the most of my weakness and I spent 2 years in his thrall.  I was left deeply scarred and scared and was seeing this counsellor to heal the wounds in the hope of moving forward.

I had been seeing him for a few weeks, telling him my story about how badly I had been treated, tearing my heart out every time and this day he asked me to do one simple task for him.  He asked me to repeat some words.  Those words were "I let go of everything T did to me".  That was it, that was all he wanted me to say.

It felt like it took me an age to say it.  I sat there sobbing harder than ever before because in that moment I realised that if I said those words I could no longer hang my identity on those wounds.  I could no longer blame T for making me who I am.  I realised I would have to take responsibility for my own life and finally, I would have to move forward.  I wouldn't be "T's ex who was like this because he treated her so badly" I would be me; responsible for who I am.

After a while I managed to say it and it felt like a weight had been lifted.  I was free from him in that moment.  I had made more progress in making that statement than I had in weeks of therapy, but it is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.  In that moment I had been faced with a choice; stay in my world of misery, stuck and never moving forward, or step through the door into a life where I could start to take control of my life.

So often we are afraid of success.  We are comfortable in the place where we are, no matter how painful it is.  We stay stuck because stuck is safe. We know how stuck works.  We can complain to our friends about our problems and get the sympathy we want. We can blame our lack of progress on the treatment we have received or the problems with live with.

Truly putting effort into working on new ways to feel better risks our life becoming completely different and we don't know how that works.  We will have to be brave and face new situations.  Finding healing means we will be a different person and we don't know who that is.

So next time, before you embark on another diet, a new type of complementary therapy or open a new self help book ask yourself, do you really want to become a different person?  Are you ready to find out what the new you looks like and the new challenges that come with it?  If the answer is no that is what you need to work on first rather than what you thought was most important to you.

I am hoping to use the new EFT techniques I am learning at the moment to work on this aspect.... but if I am successful I will then have accept that I am in charge of my life and I really can change things.  Time to try and make that leap again, I wonder if I am up to the task?  Why don't we try and leap together, holding hands!

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/

The third most important tool in the SAD toolbox - bloodymindedness!

Recently when posting on the SAD group I am with it was asked how you make yourself carry on when you feel so terrible... this was my response..

"When talking about how to use bloodymindedness; for me it's about refusing to be beaten. I think in my case it comes from growing up with a member of my family struggling with serious mental illness coupled with having a breakdown at 13 myself. I simply refuse to go back into those dark places so I push through it and just do what needs to be done. Which, for me, is going to work.

I do believe it really helps. A good example is last weekend. I had been feeling pretty grim on Sunday, I had meditated and ended up crying so was feeling pretty fragile. The day before I had suggested we visit some friends but we didn't go. Instead that afternoon hubby suggested we went. I wasn't showered or anything but I forced myself to go and make myself presentable. On the way there I was thinking I REALLY didn't want to go and asking myself why I hadn't just stood up for myself and said no?

When we left our friends house I felt so much better. Just being around different people who care about me, did me so much good.

Sometimes if we push through the lethargy and resistance we really do benefit 

Thinking on, it is also important to not identify with what you are feeling as permanent. Yes, in this moment I might just want to crawl under the quilt and hide, but if I am honest with myself, I know that feeling will pass. So, rather than thinking that what I am feeling is what I will always feel I accept it will pass I can help it on it's way by acting as if it already has.

It is a fine line, when something terrible happens like a death you need to validate your feelings and accept that at times there are emotions you need to feel and move through. When we push down these kinds of feelings we end up making ourselves ill.

But, when I know it is "simply brain chemistry", rather than a true response to a bad situation, it is important to look past it and not give it the same value. When we do this we can use bloodymindedness to MAKE ourselves carry on.

The great thing about SAD as opposed to classic depression, is we know it will pass, that it is only a matter of time and we know when that time will be. This means we can work to act as if we are already there.

If we let ourselves wallow in our misery (hey, I was doing this last week) we create a cycle of misery. We feel sad because we feel sad, we feel anxious because we feel anxious. In this process we make our situation so much worse.
 
Yeah, it is hard, bloody hard at times, but I do believe that in the long run, if we do this, moment by moment, we benefit from it greatly."

Are we really ready for freedom of speech?

There has been much said since the attacks against Charlie Hebdo in France on Wednesday and I don't want to go over the same old stuff.  What I would like to do is look at the deeper question that I think needs asking.

The way I see the recent attack is there are 2 completely separate issues at work here.  Pretty much everyone is talking about how freedom of speech is important and must be upheld. People should not be cowed into silence or be killed for what they say.  There is no argument there.

However, the deeper question that many fail to ask is why do people want to offend in the first place? 

It seems not only are people rushing to defend their freedom of speech but they are desperate to be able to offend people; to be able to find that one thing that will upset large groups of people and shout it from the tallest building, just because they can.

Why do people want to do this? And why are some people saying that we SHOULD do this? "Because we can" is simply not a good enough answer.

People often argue that there will always be someone that is offended, but by saying this they are missing the point.  Yes, it's true, you will always risk offending someone while you speak your truth.  The difference is that some purposely choose to offend, it's not some accident, it is purposeful.  And that is the problem.

Of course, when they have succeeded in their goal and people get upset these people often then go on to ridicule and offend people further

If this happened in a school it would be considered bullying, but somehow when we become adults we are allowed to intentionally upset people.  How is this ok?  

I believe we are being given an opportunity to ask this question and find a better use for these amusing artists. Why, rather than strive to upset people, can they not work to bring people together?

We are intelligent enough to know that these terrorists are evil people that have chosen a particular religion to use as a cause for their evil acts, whether they are aware of this or not is unimportant.

These are not the Muslims you meet on the street, so why do the satirists make such an effort to lump them together and upset them all? I am guessing because they are not intelligent enough to see the difference between the radical extremest and people trying to get on with their lives peacefully. 

Is this idiocy something we should celebrate and even encourage?
 
Although I deeply condemn the gunmen, I don't think satirists are free from blame. The sooner we are able to ask these deeper questions the sooner we can work towards peace.

The sooner we learn and accept that with freedom of speech comes with responsibility the sooner we can use it for the betterment of all.

The power of the words we use.

I am in a support group for my SAD and at the moment there is are often people coming online saying how terrible the winter is and how they dread the darker days.  Reading these messages I am reminded of a time when I was struggling and the lesson I learnt from it.

I loved my nan dearly and the day she had her stroke my world changed forever.  She survived the stroke but along with weakness down one side she was left with no speech.  Watching the woman I used to have such deep conversations with struggling to find the most basic words broke my heart and I began grieving for the loss of the bright, intelligent woman who had made such an impact on who I am now.  The problem was, she hadn't died, she was still here and every time I visited I saw her struggling and my heart was broken again each time.  Watching her retreat into herself because she could not communicate was heart wrenching.

One day I was heading home from a visit to the hospital and I became aware that I was repeating to myself "I can't handle this" as I once again spiraled into panic and deep sorrow.  In that moment it was like a light bulb came on.  Every time I told myself I couldn't cope I began the downward fall into a pit of darkness.  I realised in that moment that the words I was using were creating the emotions I was feeling and I desperately needed to do something about it.

After that journey I made a point of listening to the words I used about things I was experiencing.  If I felt myself saying "I can't cope" I would instantly stop myself, even saying "stop!" out loud if necessary, and rephrase my words to "I am coping, all will be well"

From that day I started to cope with the situation with my nan much better.  Yes, my heart was still broken and it didn't heal until she passed and was free of the limitations the stroke imposed on her, but I was more able to visit her and not end up in such a state of distress.

This taught me that the words we use change our perception of the world around us and our ability to cope with situations.  When we affirm that we cannot cope, we do not cope.  When we state that our lives are terrible that is what we experience.

When you find you are not coping with whatever life has thrown at you take a moment to listen to the words you are using.  Are you convincing yourself things are worse than they are?  Try turning your words around; if you say you are not coping tell yourself you are.  If you are saying you are scared or that something is terrible

tell yourself you are strong and that all will be well.  It takes self awareness, constant vigilance but you don't actually have to believe what you are saying, oddly in reassuring yourself that all is well you will begin to believe it and feel much better.

In the end, what do you have to lose?

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/

Falling in love with the 9-5 again

Over the last 10 months I have been working to build up my healing practice again after taking some time out.  It has been quite a journey that has recently paid off with some wonderful clients.  In a moment of peace this morning I had quite an unexpected revelation.

Due to mortgages that need paying and all the other expenses that come with being in my 40s I have had to continue to work full time, slotting in building up my healing practice where I can.  So many people have suggested that I should be ditching the job to follow my dreams and I have felt dissatisfied in not being able to do that blaming my circumstances, that are quite normal, for not being able to "follow my dream".  Well, the past 2 weeks have led me to realise that being a full time healer is not my dream.  Not for now anyway.

Over the last few weeks I have had quite a few clients and it has been wonderful to tune into the crystals, flowers and Spirit to work with these people.  I look forward to working with them again but it has made me realise I couldn't do it full time.  As an introvert it would simply be too much interaction, as an HSP it would be too many different energies.  I am pretty sure I would burn out quite quickly even though I am working with universal energies and not my own.

This realisation has let me to see that I have been beautifully given what I can handle.  Rather than being in a situation where I need to charge high prices and churn people through like a conveyor line to be able to make enough money I am able to offer low prices and reduce the amount of interaction I am exposed to.  At the same time I am able to give my whole attention to the person in front of me rather than having the worry in the back of my mind about whether the next pay cheque, I mean, client will turn up.   The focus shifts from making money to helping people, and that is what it is ALL about for me!

I also realise that I was being sucked into following a dream that I thought was mine but proved to be someone else's; something that is expected, quite innocently, from anyone that takes the path of a healer.  Now pressure is taken off me to advertise more, work out how to increase word of mouth and all the things that go with trying to work towards relying on my healing practice for a living.

This is all quite wonderful because it frees me up to appreciate my job and appreciate the one client a week I have been getting up until the last 2 weeks where I have seen 4.  I have loved every minute of it and I don't begrudge any of those clients for one second; they have allowed me to help them whilst at the same time given me the opportunity to see a little more of where my path truly leads.  I am more at peace with the 9-5 because of this.  Win Win!!!

The next step is to decide whether I am in the right 9-5.  Maybe in accepting that it is something I am choosing rather than resenting it I will either find myself happier in the job I have or find a way to a better job that inspires me more.  I am also once again happy with the plan that I will do more healing when the mortgage is paid off and I won't need to earn so much.  Yeah, that might be 30 years away, but I'm cool with that.

For now I am happy to be an "evenings only" healer where I can offer my services at a low price at a time that can suit other 9-5ers.  It means spaces are limited and I need to set boundaries, but that's all part of the wonderful learning that comes with the path.

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/

Why do I write these blogs?

People may wonder about my motivation for writing these blogs... is it an ego trip?  Maybe, but in reality there are a number of other reasons.

If I show you mine will you show me yours?

Firstly, I think it is important for anyone who chooses to work with me in a healing situation to know where I am coming from.  I feel it is important that a client finds a healer that they resonate with; someone that is going to respect their beliefs when they are opening up and talking about things they may have never spoken about before.

Many of us hold onto the belief that if we talk about what truly think and feel we will be seen as too weird.  In sharing some of the thoughts I have that may not be acceptable in mainstream society I hope to show clients that they are safe doing the same.

I have been to various professionals seeking guidance and learning and I realised that if the professional did not respect the way I understand my life and the world around me I am never going to make progress.  I am always going to be leaving a part of me outside the therapy room, and that just doesn't work.

I may not resonate with your own personal "wierdness" but I can assure you, it is unlikely to shock me and it will be respected. 

An encouraging voice
I also hope my blogs show that I am a strong believer in finding ways to solve problems.  I simply won't let things that get me down beat me.  I believe we are here to grow, to become truly authentic and love ourselves for who we are, but I also believe we are here to learn to treat others with compassion and respect, allowing them to be authentic and confident too.

In writing my blogs I hope to encourage people to find the courage to look for answers to their problems.  It is easy to think that we have to live with what we are given and that is our lesson.  Personally I believe that is only true if we have tried everything else.  Whether I encourage someone to come and see me for a healing or to find their own answers in their own way I don't care, so long as they are getting up, dusting themselves down and trying again.

I also want to encourage people to love themselves.  All too often we are given messages that we must be self deprecating and meek.  Many of us fear that the other option is to be egotistical and selfish.  I want to lead the way in learning that we don't have to be this person and that there is a loving way to change the way we think and talk about ourselves.  

Question everything
There is a lot of misinformation out on the net.  I understand that I am only giving my opinion, but if I can give someone the opportunity to use their own logic by asking them to examine what they are being told then I don't really care if they take on board what I am saying.  It is not important for me to be believed, it is important that the reader has questioned everything they are told and made up their own mind.

I always try to respect others beliefs but of course there are always going to be those that I find difficult to fully understand, possibly due to a lack of education or because they do not resonate with me in any way.  Maybe if someone reads one of my posts and disagrees they can comment and help me understand further.





Work in progress
This blog isn't the product of a person who believes she knows it all, far from it.  If you read back through my archive you're likely to find that I have contradicted myself; changing my mind as I grow and learn.  I am on a path of my own; a path of self discovery and one of my ways of processing what I am learning is to blog about it. If anyone wants to join me on the walk they are more than welcome.

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/

As always... work in progress

2 blogs in one day?  Just a little something I wanted to share.

One of the things I often find difficult about blogs and books is the impression I get as a reader that the writer knows it all; that they are at the end of their path and they are perfect.  I am aware that this is mostly triggered by my own feelings of inadequacy but I think it is more than that.

Please don’t ever get that impression of me.  Yes, I have come some way along my path, and I do feel I have learned a lot, but I am fully, and sometimes painfully aware that I still have a lot to learn and a lot to change.

I know the theories, I know how I should be living my life, but sometimes I am still the lost and angry child stamping her foot at Spirit saying “why me, why now?”

A very wise friend once said “if you’re still here, there are still lessons to be learned”.

So please, don’t think that I know all the answers, that I am a serene soul who walks through life filled with bliss.

Far from it.... I am still very much “work in progress”

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/

A little about me

I thought it would be helpful for people thinking about having a treatment to learn a little about me and the path that has led me here, to this point.

I currently live with my husband Gary and 3 cats in Wellingborough having lived for most of my life in South Northants.

For my day job I work in accounts and admin, it is not what fires me up but it pays the bills and allows me to not rely on charging high prices for my treatments.

I love gardening, riding my motorcycle, playing computer games, listening to audio books, and listening to anything from Vivaldi to Metallica. 

You may think that healers will be found wearing brightly coloured floaty tops and long skirts, but some days you will find me in a hoody and jeans or my bike kit.  Sometimes you will find me in a field listening to a willow whisper in my ear; other times you will find me on a bike rally field talking hero stories with the guys.

I eat a meat free diet and use cruelty free products as much as possible.  The Pagan tenet "do what you will but harm none" is a major part of my life.

I strongly believe in walking a path that has one foot in spiritual beliefs, but the other foot firmly planted in the mundane world.

And this is how I got here.....

I have been on a path of spirituality and self development since I was 18 when I broke up with my first boyfriend.  It was a difficult time for me and as I was coming out of the depths of a broken heart I was looking for a better way to face life.  I was terribly shy and had very little self esteem.  I was unemployed and depressed, but one day as I was walking round the local market I was drawn to a stall selling crystals.  This is where it all began for me; I came away with a rose quartz, a tigers eye and a clear quartz. They never left my pocket for years after that moment and I began learning all I could.

Jump forward another year and I was finally in a full time job.  There were people there that were open minded and were happy to listen to my problems.  It was suggested I read Susan Jeffers' Feel the Fear and do it Anyway. This book revolutionised the way I saw my life and the world around me.  I really saw that I could take control and make my own decision.

After that there was a series of chance meetings that led me into Paganism.  For many years I shunned what I considered religion having had bad experiences with Christianity as a child, but paganism made so much sense.  It all started with the realisation that there had to be a reason why flowers were beautiful.  Some flowers can function perfectly well being dull and boring, so why are some so stunning?  There has to be a higher power involved in their creation.

I spent a few years learning about paganism and talking to trees, you know they really are founts of knowledge and compassion.  I also found myself running a group for pagans in the area.  This group is still going and it has taught me so much over the last 9 years.

But, after a few years of working with paganism I realised that I couldn't limit myself to those sets of beliefs.  This was triggered by a moment of true faith.  I was driving home from my job in Kislingbury and I came to a fork in the road.  I could just go straight home, or I could go into town to a local crystal shop.  I didn't really have any money and I didn't really need anything but for some reason it seemed important to go.  I walked into the shop and declared that I had no idea why I was there; only to be told that they had just announced a Crystal Energy Practitioners course.  Well, I had to listen to the messages that were sent to me and I signed up there and then.

This opened the world of lightworking to me.  This is the other side of my coin to Paganism and is what balances the earth energy.

I studied hard and got my qualification, although I had absolutely no-where to offer healings.  I satisfied myself with applying the self development side of the course to my life and also started receiving crystal healing myself on a regular basis.  Included in these sessions were regression, visualisation work and of course crystal energy.  The things I experienced in those sessions blew my mind, helped me grow and healed old wounds.

At this time I also joined an online group run by Fabeku Fatunmise where I learnt more and more about co-creating with crystals, about the deeper levels of working with them rather than using them as tools.  What with this and what I was learning from the wonderful Hilary I was receiving healings from I was building up a deep understanding of how powerful the crystals can be in transforming and healing old issues.

Skip forward a few years... I am still having regular crystal healing but once again I found myself in a difficult relationship.  The healings had helped me grow from the shy girl who put herself last into a stronger person but it wasn't quite enough, there was still so much to do.  I was introduced to Bach Flower remedies by my 75 year old boss who swore by Rescue Remedy for everything from sleeplessness to headaches.  I was going through a particularly bad time and was willing to try anything to deal with the stress, so I started working with the remedies.

After a few months of blundering around with them, dowsing to see which remedy I should take because I didn't really know what they were for I decided to enrol in a home study course so I could learn about them and use them properly.  Despite having a poor memory for "facts and figures" I found I could remember the remedies quite well and completed the course with good results.  Soon I was ready to take the level 2 and practitioner levels.

Just before embarking on my pracitioner level studies I once again found myself at the end of a long term relationship.  My world fell apart around me, but I always clung on to my crystals and bach remedies.  I increased my crystal healing sessions to every week for a few weeks and managed to manifest everything I needed to rent and furnish a flat.  Spirit constantly gave to me just what I needed, when I needed it and my faith was sealed.  I had received  the proof I needed to trust Spirit and know that the guidance I get is safe to trust.

I completed my practitioner level with the bach remedies and, now living on my own, found I was able to offer treatments to people.  I was nervous to start with thinking that I would have forgotten all I had learnt with the crystals but it was all there, ready to be tapped into.  I also found that the right remedies came to mind in consultations.  It had taken about 10 years but I was finally able to help people in the way I had been helped.

It doesn't all stop there tho, the path of self-development never ends.  I am constantly learning about myself and working on issues that come up. I also still rely on the things I learnt right at the start.  One day I was reciting "feel the fear and do it anyway" as I found myself in the car of a friend of a friend of a friend travelling down to Southampton for the weekend to stay at the house of people I didn't really know . 

Since the break up with my ex  I decided that  I would say yes to everything that Spirit put in front of me, trusting that it was all for a reason.  I was determined  to jump through all the hoops Spirit put in front of me with the faith that it was leading me to something amazing.  Sometimes the lessons I learnt were HARD, painful and scary, and other times they led me to wonderful things.  In this instance I was led to meet my soul mate Gary and within 3 months he had moved from London and we were living together.

For me, life is not complete without some form of spirituality and it is wasted if there is no drive to understand and heal the self, however I also understand that for some people this is all twaddle and nonsense.  You know, that's fine.  I respect every person's choice in their lifestyle; so long as they are not harming anyone they can do, behave and believe whatever they like.  And so I understand that crystal healing and bach flower remedies are not for everyone, but having seen how they have changed my life, I encourage anyone to give them a go.

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/