Do you truly give unconditionally?

How often, when you give a gift, do you say "I don't want anything in return"?  But do you really mean it?

When we give a gift it is easy to stand by the belief that in giving it we do not expect anything in return but what if that person didn't acknowledge the gift?  What if they put it to one side unopened?  How would you feel?  I would suggest you would be annoyed at their rudeness and lack of gratitude.

When we try to help someone by offering support or guidance how do we feel if this offer of support or guidance is ignored?  This would often be met with a feeling of frustration that they have chosen to stay stuck or receive help from someone else.

In the end, when our help has been repeatedly rejected we become jaded.  We tell ourselves that our help is never valued.  This can often lead us to either losing faith in ourselves or the belief that somehow we are surrounded by lesser or unkind people.

 How do we stop ourselves becoming jaded?

When we try to help the people around us we often become attached to the outcome of the offer of support.  We don't expect a return in the form of money or favours but we do want to feel that our support is valued.  We may get frustrated with our friends for their lack of gratitude, complaining that they are stuck and don't want to change but the real problem lays firmly with us.

As the Buddha said "The root of suffering is attachment".  So when we are attached to our friends taking our advice are we really giving unconditionally?

This is one of the greatest challenges for the healer or carer; to let go of the outcome of our actions.  We must give our care and compassion and then let go.  If they take our advice, that is wonderful.  If they don't, that is fine too.  We have done all we can do, the best thing to do is let it go.  This doesn't mean you don't care about the person or that you no longer want them to be happy. It means you are accepting that they have to make their own choices in their journey.  Maybe they aren't ready to make the changes you suggest, or maybe they completely disagree but are polite enough to not make it an issue.

Next time you offer support or advice, whether solicited or not, give it with love and then release yourself from the need for the advice to be taken.  YOu will find it makes trying to help people so much easier and you will find you have more to give, not less.

Why can't we change?

Over the last few months I have embarked on learning about new complementary therapies looking for new ways to grow and change.  I've been listening to Louise L Hay talk about how I can heal my life and Nick Ortner is teaching me about EFT through his book "The Tapping Solution".  I've endeavoured to go back to using the MIR Method and I've been working with the Bach Remedies.  I am even working through a course to become a colour therapist all while learning tai chi.  I'm loving every moment of it and it is all so deeply interesting and enlightening; but I still feel stuck.  Why is this?

So many of us try to improve our lives. We become aware of wounds and negative beliefs that we know are holding us back and there is a booming industry of people wanting to share their ideas on how we can change these.  From the weird to the wonderful there truly is something for everyone; and yet we are still stuck.  We spend hundreds, if not thousands of pounds trying the next thing only to find that we are still in the same place.  Why is this?

I started pondering this the other day, trying to work out why, even though I set a reminder on my computer at work to remind me to do the MIR Method, and it only takes a couple of minutes, I dismiss it every time it comes up without doing it.  Why, with all my Bach training and access to the full set of remedies do I not take them?

It's because, in reality, I am scared to change, and I don't think I am alone in this.

Think about your problems for a moment.  Maybe you hate your job.  Maybe you live with constant pain or anxiety.  Are you in an abusive relationship or unemployed trying to find a job?  Really think about your problems.

Now imagine a door in front of you.  The other side of it is a life without those problems.  Imagine what that life would look like.  Make that picture real in your mind.

Now see yourself opening the door and stepping into that life.  Is it easy?  Do you tear the door open and rush in, or do you hesitate, even just a little bit?

Thinking about this reminds me of a session I had with a counsellor when I was in my early 20s.  I was in a relationship that wasn't working and at the time I was blaming that on the trauma I experienced in my first relationship.  I had been 17 when I started seeing my first boyfriend (let's call him T) and I was very naive and easily manipulated.  T made the most of my weakness and I spent 2 years in his thrall.  I was left deeply scarred and scared and was seeing this counsellor to heal the wounds in the hope of moving forward.

I had been seeing him for a few weeks, telling him my story about how badly I had been treated, tearing my heart out every time and this day he asked me to do one simple task for him.  He asked me to repeat some words.  Those words were "I let go of everything T did to me".  That was it, that was all he wanted me to say.

It felt like it took me an age to say it.  I sat there sobbing harder than ever before because in that moment I realised that if I said those words I could no longer hang my identity on those wounds.  I could no longer blame T for making me who I am.  I realised I would have to take responsibility for my own life and finally, I would have to move forward.  I wouldn't be "T's ex who was like this because he treated her so badly" I would be me; responsible for who I am.

After a while I managed to say it and it felt like a weight had been lifted.  I was free from him in that moment.  I had made more progress in making that statement than I had in weeks of therapy, but it is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.  In that moment I had been faced with a choice; stay in my world of misery, stuck and never moving forward, or step through the door into a life where I could start to take control of my life.

So often we are afraid of success.  We are comfortable in the place where we are, no matter how painful it is.  We stay stuck because stuck is safe. We know how stuck works.  We can complain to our friends about our problems and get the sympathy we want. We can blame our lack of progress on the treatment we have received or the problems with live with.

Truly putting effort into working on new ways to feel better risks our life becoming completely different and we don't know how that works.  We will have to be brave and face new situations.  Finding healing means we will be a different person and we don't know who that is.

So next time, before you embark on another diet, a new type of complementary therapy or open a new self help book ask yourself, do you really want to become a different person?  Are you ready to find out what the new you looks like and the new challenges that come with it?  If the answer is no that is what you need to work on first rather than what you thought was most important to you.

I am hoping to use the new EFT techniques I am learning at the moment to work on this aspect.... but if I am successful I will then have accept that I am in charge of my life and I really can change things.  Time to try and make that leap again, I wonder if I am up to the task?  Why don't we try and leap together, holding hands!

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/

The third most important tool in the SAD toolbox - bloodymindedness!

Recently when posting on the SAD group I am with it was asked how you make yourself carry on when you feel so terrible... this was my response..

"When talking about how to use bloodymindedness; for me it's about refusing to be beaten. I think in my case it comes from growing up with a member of my family struggling with serious mental illness coupled with having a breakdown at 13 myself. I simply refuse to go back into those dark places so I push through it and just do what needs to be done. Which, for me, is going to work.

I do believe it really helps. A good example is last weekend. I had been feeling pretty grim on Sunday, I had meditated and ended up crying so was feeling pretty fragile. The day before I had suggested we visit some friends but we didn't go. Instead that afternoon hubby suggested we went. I wasn't showered or anything but I forced myself to go and make myself presentable. On the way there I was thinking I REALLY didn't want to go and asking myself why I hadn't just stood up for myself and said no?

When we left our friends house I felt so much better. Just being around different people who care about me, did me so much good.

Sometimes if we push through the lethargy and resistance we really do benefit 

Thinking on, it is also important to not identify with what you are feeling as permanent. Yes, in this moment I might just want to crawl under the quilt and hide, but if I am honest with myself, I know that feeling will pass. So, rather than thinking that what I am feeling is what I will always feel I accept it will pass I can help it on it's way by acting as if it already has.

It is a fine line, when something terrible happens like a death you need to validate your feelings and accept that at times there are emotions you need to feel and move through. When we push down these kinds of feelings we end up making ourselves ill.

But, when I know it is "simply brain chemistry", rather than a true response to a bad situation, it is important to look past it and not give it the same value. When we do this we can use bloodymindedness to MAKE ourselves carry on.

The great thing about SAD as opposed to classic depression, is we know it will pass, that it is only a matter of time and we know when that time will be. This means we can work to act as if we are already there.

If we let ourselves wallow in our misery (hey, I was doing this last week) we create a cycle of misery. We feel sad because we feel sad, we feel anxious because we feel anxious. In this process we make our situation so much worse.
 
Yeah, it is hard, bloody hard at times, but I do believe that in the long run, if we do this, moment by moment, we benefit from it greatly."

Are we really ready for freedom of speech?

There has been much said since the attacks against Charlie Hebdo in France on Wednesday and I don't want to go over the same old stuff.  What I would like to do is look at the deeper question that I think needs asking.

The way I see the recent attack is there are 2 completely separate issues at work here.  Pretty much everyone is talking about how freedom of speech is important and must be upheld. People should not be cowed into silence or be killed for what they say.  There is no argument there.

However, the deeper question that many fail to ask is why do people want to offend in the first place? 

It seems not only are people rushing to defend their freedom of speech but they are desperate to be able to offend people; to be able to find that one thing that will upset large groups of people and shout it from the tallest building, just because they can.

Why do people want to do this? And why are some people saying that we SHOULD do this? "Because we can" is simply not a good enough answer.

People often argue that there will always be someone that is offended, but by saying this they are missing the point.  Yes, it's true, you will always risk offending someone while you speak your truth.  The difference is that some purposely choose to offend, it's not some accident, it is purposeful.  And that is the problem.

Of course, when they have succeeded in their goal and people get upset these people often then go on to ridicule and offend people further

If this happened in a school it would be considered bullying, but somehow when we become adults we are allowed to intentionally upset people.  How is this ok?  

I believe we are being given an opportunity to ask this question and find a better use for these amusing artists. Why, rather than strive to upset people, can they not work to bring people together?

We are intelligent enough to know that these terrorists are evil people that have chosen a particular religion to use as a cause for their evil acts, whether they are aware of this or not is unimportant.

These are not the Muslims you meet on the street, so why do the satirists make such an effort to lump them together and upset them all? I am guessing because they are not intelligent enough to see the difference between the radical extremest and people trying to get on with their lives peacefully. 

Is this idiocy something we should celebrate and even encourage?
 
Although I deeply condemn the gunmen, I don't think satirists are free from blame. The sooner we are able to ask these deeper questions the sooner we can work towards peace.

The sooner we learn and accept that with freedom of speech comes with responsibility the sooner we can use it for the betterment of all.

You don't have to be Wonder Woman...

... or Superman for that matter.

I was just reading a post on the Attainable Sustainable Facebook page asking women whether they use power tools or if they ask the men in their lives to do things for them.  As usual there is the stream of women posting saying that they are fully capable of using a power drill and love it.

It's great to see women doing these things but, as someone with fragile self esteem, it is easy to make comparisons and think that somehow I am letting down the feminists of the past by not being able to do this.

Of course the first thing that gets rolled out is that I shouldn't compare.  Of course I shouldn't but that is not really enough.  In the back of my mind it's still there, whispering to me "you're rubbish, you should be able to do anything you want to, what did the feminists fight for?"

This is where we have to think about these things a little deeper about what is going on.

With the increase in the number of "ordinary" people being able to showcase their abilities we are flooded with messages from A-type achievers and we think this is normal.  People all around us are being creative and successful in so many ways and it is easy to think that somehow we are "less than" them because we're not shouting from the rooftops (or at least through our 10,000 likes Facebook page) that we have just finished our latest book on fitness and cake baking whilst travelling through Nepal on the back of a camel.

But, how does this relate to power drills?

Some time ago I was talking to a friend about the very same subject and I realised that it was ok for me to not like power tools, just like it is ok for me to not want to fix my own motorbike, because, you know what?  I have no desire to be Wonder Woman, I want to be me!

Why should I grovel around on a cold garage floor with a spanner, skinning my knuckles and getting frustrated trying to fix my motorbike when my husband is a perfectly good mechanic?  Just so I can prove that I take Girl Power seriously?

I'm ALL for feminism and for anybody doing whatever they like (so long as the aren't hurting anyone of course) but that is completely different to actually doing EVERYTHING.  There are men out there that are not good with their hands, but are amazing chefs, just like there are women wielding welding torches and eating junk food because what they cook is inedible.

Equality isn't about being able to do everything, it's about having the chance to try.  I've had a go at welding, I was ok with the gas torch but terrified of the arc welder, and you know what, that's fine.

Each and every one of us is made up of things we are great at, things we are ok at and things we are rubbish at, and all of that is perfect.  The sooner those of us with fragile self esteem embrace that the sooner we can stop beating ourselves up about what we are rubbish at and start telling the world about what we are good at.

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/

 

On being the light

These few simple words speak volumes to me.

There was a time, early along my path, when I ran to those who I saw as holding the light, I thought that was what you did. Somehow I believed that being in the presence of a guru, either in person or through consuming their work in the form of books or recordings, would be enough to solve all my problems.

I also looked to objects and rituals in the idea that they would be what I needed to be "spiritual". If I had the right incense burner, the right words for the ritual, the right routine all my problems would dissolve away to nothing and all would be wonderful.

As time went on I learnt that this wasn't the goal; the goal is to BE the light. I still love being around light filled people but now it is because I can learn from them how I can become the light rather than just to bask in theirs. I still love pretty things, but I see them for what they are now.

I am a long way off, there is so much more work still to do, but at least now I know I am using MY light to guide my way rather than being blinded by that of others.

Learning to walk with Spirit by your side.

I love being in spiritual groups, questions are asked that challenge you to define your beliefs further; to make you understand something that you took on board without questioning.  When this happens it allows you to either deepen that belief or discard it.

Today I was on a Kryon group and someone asked why life is about learning and growing?  When Kryon talks about Spirit being like a parent why do we have lessons to learn like poverty, sorrow and loss.  Why can't Spirit simply make our lives easier when It has the ability?

I had heard Kryon talk about the Parent/Spirit analogy a number of times and it made sense but not in a way I could articulate, so I took the opportunity to put what I understood into words and allow it to become a belief. 

 ~*~

The very fact that we have free will creates life lessons. If we were fully evolved we would be able to manifest all we need and would be happy. But, through free will we have lost that ability, so we have to learn again.
 

When a child has to learn to walk the parent does not do it for him; the child has to learn to control his limbs, to balance and to step forward. The parent will be there to pick him up when he falls, but he still has to experience the fall and then try again.  Eventually the child goes on to learn to pick himself up when he falls so he no longer needs his parents.  The parents cannot do this for him.

A parent feeds us when we are babies but as we grow we have to learn to feed ourselves when we are hungry.  We have to learn what is good for us and what makes us ill, we have to learn to prepare the food to make it taste nice. If someone always does this for us we are forever dependent on that person.

When we step out into the world we have to learn to make safe choices.  Our parents can't be there every step of the way to tell us what to do, and sometimes we get hurt. The parent helps us recover, gives us love and support, but we have to learn from our mistakes to ensure we don't do it again.  Again, we have to go on to learn to do this for ourselves so that we are not dependent on our parents for the rest of our lives.

Spirit is the same. It is like a loving parent watching us take our first steps. Sometimes we fall but if we ask for help Spirit will lift us up and help us make the necessary changes to move forward.  But, we still have to "fall". That "fall" could mean losing a job or relationship. We made the choices that led us to that moment just like the baby is choosing the fine movements in that first step. When we make less than optimum choices we fall.  We have to be able to pick ourselves up and learn the necessary lessons so that we can make better choices next time

Spirit is not here to do everything for us, like our parents aren't here to do everything for us. Spirit is here to guide us so we can do it for ourselves.

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/