What if......

I am aware that I haven't blogged for months and firstly I wanted to check in and update on why this is but I also wanted to share some insight I have just gained.

In the back end of 2015 I realised I needed to face up to some stuff that I had been avoiding for a number of years.  In April this year I started therapy for the relationship abuse I experienced in my teens and again in my 20s and early 30s.  I had done work in the past but I knew there was more to be dealt with.

I am about half way through the process and things have not gone how I expected.

Up until the end of last year I didn't think there was any more work to do.  I had moved on from hating the boy that I first had a relationship with to understanding that he himself was a victim of abuse and, for the most part, forgiving him for what happened in those 2 years.  I didn't want anything to do with him, but I no longer hated him.

I had also worked through how I felt about my second relationship, understanding that I had allowed it to happen as a result of my first and my low self esteem.  I felt I had forgiven myself for allowing it to happen.  And yet I still experienced the lasting effects of their abuse.

Just leaving this here....

As I waited for my first session I considered what I wanted from this counselling and hoped that, in finally telling someone what had happened, in being heard and validated, I would feel better and all would be well.  When I walked into that room that is what I desperately needed... for someone to finally say that yes, my first experience was rape and from then on what I experienced amounted to coercive control, manipulation, and sexual and emotional abuse.  Of course I got that validation and it has helped, but there has been so much more to work on, heal, and move on from.


I realise now that my whole life has been spent making choices that kept me safe.  Safe from the bullies at school, safe from being left by people I loved, safe from the anger of someone I had disappointed, and safe from the wounds abuse causes.   I see now that those choices no longer protect me and that what was once safe is now damaging in itself.  I no longer risk the abuse I once faced, I no longer have to worry about bullies or disappointment, I am no longer in that place.

And so it is time to change 30 years of learned responses, 30 years of fear.  I have to look at myself and see that I can fit into the world in a different way.

This is so much easier said than done.

Today as I hoovered my house I was running the normal self hate program about how I am rubbish at housework, how my house is always a mess and how I suck in general at life as we are told we are supposed to live.  My ponderings continued and I thought about how we are told that there is something that each of us is good at; something we can excel out out in the world, all we have to do is find it.

What if this isn't true?  What if there are people in the world that are not brilliant at anything, simply mediocre at a lot of things?

Our first reaction to this would be to say that it can't be true, that we each have to have a special talent, otherwise what is the point?

But think again... what if you were one of those people who were still seeking that one thing and constantly failing to find it?  How would you feel if someone said "it's ok, you don't need to find it, you are perfect as you are; mediocre is ok"?  What if they said it in a way that you truly believed it?

If you are one of those people just hold those words in your mind... it is ok to be mediocre.... you can be loved as mediocre... is it just me or does a tonne of pressure just fall away?

One of the overriding messages I have lived with from others is "don't disappoint me".  To be safe I have had to be what others wanted me to be, and I had to be good at it.  What if I no longer needed to do that?  What if it really didn't matter that my house isn't a show home?  What if I didn't need to excel at anything and could just be "kinda ok" at a number of things?  How much easier would it be to be the person I am, and not the person society wants me to be?

It's scary letting go of these learned lessons.  It's all well and good having these epiphanies in the safety of solitude, but out there in the world the judgement comes flooding back.

I will continue to walk this path of healing my wounds of the past, there will be a day when I finally feel that it is ok to be me and that I am loved as I am.  I hope we all find that place and can stop trying to be the people society wants us to be.

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.CrystaloakTherpies.co.uk/

My meditation journey... so far

I can imagine when you see that title you're thinking that this will be another one of those boring blogs about how meditation has changed my life.... well, you're hopefully going to be surprised... please, read on.

You see, shock horror, I don't meditate.

That's it, I've come out and said it.  This person who is on a spiritual journey of self discovery and healing does... not... meditate.  Or at least not in the way we are told we should by almost every expert on spirituality, psychology and self development*.  I don't practice mindfulness, transcendental, Osho, Buddhist or any other style designed to quiet the mind and create distance between me and my emotions.


So why is this?  Surely everyone is jumping on this bandwagon and giving it a go.

I have tried, I assure you, I have tried.  And there have been moments when sitting in my room I have found wonderful peace, but more often than not I have found that the silence simply makes the noise louder and my stress levels rise.  I've more often than not come out of those moments of seeking peace more anxious and filled with self hate than when I went in.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have read about meditation, I understand that this is the early stages and I completely accept that there is a theory that if I stuck with it I would come out the other side and find myself staring at the moon over a lake of tranquility.   It is possible that if I was carefully instructed to move through this process I could reach amazing states of mind. Or would I?

I've just been listening to an interesting program on Radio 4 called Out of the Ordinary - Mindfulness and Madness and it has confirmed some of my suspicions regarding this new fashion of mindfulness and meditation; that it is much more complex than we are being told.

Despite my own experiences and the studies mentioned in the program I do actually believe it is a powerful tool... for some.  I also believe that with the right tuition more people can gain a lot from it, but I also believe that for some it is a pathway to more problems than healing.

For me meditation is a tool in a toolbox, just like my Bach Remedies or any of the other healing modalities available.  It works for some but not others.  The problem is, like every other time a new fashion comes along, it becomes unacceptable to admit it doesn't work for you.  Just like when Reiki became popular and was thought to be the magic bullet that would heal the world, for some of us we just don't gel with it.  And you know what, that really is ok.

So, if you are one of those people that wants to progress on your journey but find meditation far too challenging, rather than feel pressured to do it anyway or bad because it must mean you're a failure, just accept that you are different, and that is ok.  Look for other tools that can be used to help you find peace.  I find journalling to be greatly beneficial, others use running, singing, dancing, or crafts as ways to quiet the mind or seek objectivity of their thoughts.  This is your path, walk it your way.

There may be a time when I am in a place where I will try again.  I am not discounting it's benefits at all, just for now though I am going to accept myself as I am and reach for my journal rather than my meditation cushion.

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.CrystaloakTherpies.co.uk/

*For those that are aware that I run a meditation group and think that is crazy, bear in mind that what I do work with is guided visualisation which is also often called meditation but is something quite different.

Are you automatically grumpy?

This time of year is tough for me, as regular readers will know I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and despite all the tools I have at my disposal I still struggle to keep upbeat.

One of the things I do to help is have a flow of inspirational and upbeat posts on my Facebook news feed, I like to have them so I can post to my page but also there is the hope that they will break me out of my funk.  The problem is, my default setting is often set to grumpy.  Not particularly nasty, just... grumpy.  My heart chakra closes, love stops flowing and my automatic response to anything nice and light is a sneer before I scroll on.

Sometimes though I catch myself and I see that this isn't really who I am, this is just me making an automatic response to something that is at a higher frequency than I am managing at this point.  When this realisation comes I have a choice; continue to sneer or raise my vibration by opening my heart and turning off my automatic response.  When I do that I find I can access the part of me that resonates with the cheerful post and I feel so much better.

It's hard to notice but I think so many of us have this automatic grumpy mode.  We simply don't see that our energies have sunk, for whatever reason, and we are coming from a place of a closed heart.

Pay attention to your responses to things, do you really mean what you say or how you react, or is it just a stock response.  If it is, take a moment to really think about what you are responding to; is it possibly coming from a higher frequency than you in this moment?  Use it as an opportunity to lift yourself to that frequency, just for a moment and see how it feels.

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloaktherapies.co.uk/

Workforce; I salute you!

As you will know, I have been interested in self development for quite some years and I have watched the fashions come and go; TM, yoga, vegan raw diets, pilates, and mindfulness have all been flavour of the month at some point or another.  I have to say though that the latest one has started to leave a very bitter taste in my mouth - entrepreneurship.

Now, I am fully aware that the fact that I have this reaction to this shows that there is work I need to do on myself.  It is clearly pushing buttons in me that need to be addressed, and this blog is me attempting to address one of them.

I believe the love of entrepreneurship started with the "do what you love" movement.  The message came through that you couldn't be happy unless you were doing exactly what you wanted to do.  From there people realised they didn't want to be working for the man but wanted to follow their own paths and make a living doing what they wanted.  Fuelled by the global crash where millions of people lost their jobs the fascination with being self employed began.

At this stage I thought it was wonderful.  So many people were following their dreams and creating new things and earning a living doing it.  Of course, as is often the case, it went too far.

Yesterday I watched a Youtube titled How to build self esteem - The six pillars of self esteem and it was all going really well until it got to number 5.  This pillar is about living purposefully; a noble trait and one we can all learn, however, it appears that the only way to live purposefully is to be an entrepreneur.

Here we find the nub of my problem.  It seems there is a growing subtle message throughout the wellbeing and self development communities that if you are not an entrepreneur you are somehow failing yourself.  That somehow you are not following your dream or living purposefully.

So, I wanted to write this blog to personally thank and salute those of us who get up every morning and do the things that need to be done.  I look through my friends and I see nurses, lorry drivers, steel erectors, train engineers, packaging designers, social workers, teachers, bin lorry drivers, window fitters, need I go on?  People who keep the world running.  People who you don't see making a fuss, they just get up every morning and go and do what they do.  What if they all decided to be yoga teachers?*

Do you think these people are living without purpose simply because they are employed rather than self employed?  Is it not possible to have a sense of purpose and be employed, either from the thing you do to pay the bills or what you do outside of work?

In one of my favourite books, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, a whole planet decided to take all the people they didn't really value and put them on a space ship that is set to crash land elsewhere.  At the end of that part of the story the original population die out because they got rid of all the telephone sanitisers.  Do we really want to make the people we need feel so unloved that no-one wants to do the job?  Just how much will we suffer if we do that?
  
I for one would like to say thank you, I appreciate the work you do!

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloaktherapies.co.uk/

*And just in case you think I am being hypocritical because surely I am self employed being a complementary therapist.. actually no, in my day job I am a bookkeeper for a bearing company.  I keep the company that fixes the machines that makes your breakfast cereal running.  Healing is my passion, but I know I need a full time job.  My reasons for this are another blog yet to be written.

How long will your New Year's resolution last?

Now that all the Christmas festivities are over we hear the common phrase; "What new year
resolutions will you be making?" and we tend to roll out the same old thing, eat less, exercise more, read more, facebook less, but in reality we know by the middle of January we will be making the same calls to the chinese while sitting staring at facebook when we should be at the gym.

So why does this happen, why do we get so disillusioned so quickly?

Personally I think we expect too much too quickly.  Living in this fast paced world we expect instant results and when we don't see them we give up.  I know I am guilty of this at times.  This is where I like to look to Pagan beliefs and apply them to the concept of new year's resolutions.

Many Pagans follow the cycle of the seasons as part of their spirituality, and with this comes the concept of there being a time for everything.  This can easily be connected to these promises we make to ourselves.

If we cast back thousands of years to a time when our lives were governed more by the growing season we can see where the concept of a yearly new start may have begun.
 

The time of new beginnings starts with the darkest time of the year; the longest night or Winter Solstice on or around December 21st. Metaphorically this can be seen as an end, the darkest time for the soul where only faith says that the light will return.  As the dawn breaks on the morning after the long night we are reborn into a new year.  At this time slates are wiped clean and we start afresh.  This is the time to make plans for the coming year.

However, anyone who has tried to grow anything in the depths of winter will know, now is not the time to be sowing seeds.

In the winter farmers are looking to prepare the land.  They may be growing a green manure crop; plants that will simply be ploughed back into the land to fertilise it, or they may be ploughing and leaving the ground bare for the frosts to turn large hard lumps into a fine tilth.  

It is not until the earth starts to warm weeks later that seeds are even sown.  The surface of the soil is turned over and the seeds are lost into the darkness; only faith and experience tell that they will grow.  From there there is much waiting before the tiny signs of growth appear around March when we reach the equinox.  These are still only the smallest of frail shoots that could be knocked back or killed by a late frost.  Gentle nurturing, fair weather and the winter's preparation all add to the chances of the seeds growing into strong plants.  

Once there are signs of growth watering and weeding is needed to ensure that by the time we get to midsummer the plants are strong and vital.   However, it is not until after the summer solstice in June that finally the fruits of all this work can be harvested.

Looking at this as a metaphor we can see why New Year's resolutions so easily fail.  Where is the preparation and the patience?  The nurturing and care?

So when New Year arrives in the next few days, think about how you can make your new plans more sustainable.  Rather than signing up for the gym now how about starting with going for a walk and work your way up to being able to make good use of gym membership.  Rather than going on a crash diet that you can't maintain; start looking at where gentle changes can be made that will add up to better lifestyle choices.  If you want to learn a new craft spend the start of the year learning about what you plan to do, which equipment is best and who is the best teacher.

Now is a time to prepare the ground, seeds sown now may never grow.  Give yourself the best chance.

Happy new year everyone!

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/

Surviving Christmas day with Bach Remedies

We all hope for a joyous Christmas filled with magic and laughter but sadly for some it never quite meets expectations or hopes.  For those times, as always, there are Bach Remedies that can help with every situation.

Elm - Do you find that the cooking, presents, noise, and people just a little too much to deal with?  Elm is the remedy for being overwhelmed, helping us focus on the task at hand with a gentle knowledge that we can cope with whatever happens.

Rock Water - If your dinner isn't cooked to perfection or the gift wrapping isn't just right Rock Water can help calm the inner perfectionist allowing things to be as they are, perfect in their imperfection.

Holly - Often you hear about feuds and disagreements that come to the fore when the family is crowded together in one place.  Holly helps us put aside resentment or jealousy and begin to build bridges.

Beech - Is there one family member that just annoys you?  Not in any major way, they just rub you up the wrong way.  Beech helps us be more tolerant of differences and allows us to accept people as they are.

Centaury - Are you always the one that does the cooking?  Or maybe you always seem to end up the designated driver when really it would be nice to let your hair down and have a drink.  Centaury can help you stand firm and ask for what you need without causing conflict.

Heather or Water Violet - For some Christmas is a lonely time and these two remedies can help us reach out in a healthy way and come together with other people.

Sweet Chestnut - We don't like to think of people in deep despair at a time when there is so much laughter and fun, but for some this is a reality.  The festive season can be a dark and depressing time when we look ahead in our lives and see nothing but darkness.  Sweet Chestnut holds a light in that darkness allowing us to see that we are able to carry on and better times will come.

Christmas doesn't have to be a difficult time and the remedies are here to hold your hand as you navigate the pitfalls.

Wishing you a blessed Christmas and a peaceful New Year from all at Crystaloak.

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/

Elm - A remedy for the season

Are Christmas preparations getting too much?  Do you feel that you have taken too much on once again?  Is it possible that if there was less to do you would be able to handle each of the tasks well?

This is where the remedy Elm is helpful.

The Bach Centre say about this remedy; "[Elm]...is the remedy for people suffering a temporary loss of confidence
due to the overwhelming amount of responsibility they have taken on."

When you are struggling with the number of things you have to get done and that fear is stopping you getting anything done a few drops on your tongue could make all the difference.

Bach remedies are safe to take with medication and have no negative side effects.

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/