Why can't we change?

Over the last few months I have embarked on learning about new complementary therapies looking for new ways to grow and change.  I've been listening to Louise L Hay talk about how I can heal my life and Nick Ortner is teaching me about EFT through his book "The Tapping Solution".  I've endeavoured to go back to using the MIR Method and I've been working with the Bach Remedies.  I am even working through a course to become a colour therapist all while learning tai chi.  I'm loving every moment of it and it is all so deeply interesting and enlightening; but I still feel stuck.  Why is this?

So many of us try to improve our lives. We become aware of wounds and negative beliefs that we know are holding us back and there is a booming industry of people wanting to share their ideas on how we can change these.  From the weird to the wonderful there truly is something for everyone; and yet we are still stuck.  We spend hundreds, if not thousands of pounds trying the next thing only to find that we are still in the same place.  Why is this?

I started pondering this the other day, trying to work out why, even though I set a reminder on my computer at work to remind me to do the MIR Method, and it only takes a couple of minutes, I dismiss it every time it comes up without doing it.  Why, with all my Bach training and access to the full set of remedies do I not take them?

It's because, in reality, I am scared to change, and I don't think I am alone in this.

Think about your problems for a moment.  Maybe you hate your job.  Maybe you live with constant pain or anxiety.  Are you in an abusive relationship or unemployed trying to find a job?  Really think about your problems.

Now imagine a door in front of you.  The other side of it is a life without those problems.  Imagine what that life would look like.  Make that picture real in your mind.

Now see yourself opening the door and stepping into that life.  Is it easy?  Do you tear the door open and rush in, or do you hesitate, even just a little bit?

Thinking about this reminds me of a session I had with a counsellor when I was in my early 20s.  I was in a relationship that wasn't working and at the time I was blaming that on the trauma I experienced in my first relationship.  I had been 17 when I started seeing my first boyfriend (let's call him T) and I was very naive and easily manipulated.  T made the most of my weakness and I spent 2 years in his thrall.  I was left deeply scarred and scared and was seeing this counsellor to heal the wounds in the hope of moving forward.

I had been seeing him for a few weeks, telling him my story about how badly I had been treated, tearing my heart out every time and this day he asked me to do one simple task for him.  He asked me to repeat some words.  Those words were "I let go of everything T did to me".  That was it, that was all he wanted me to say.

It felt like it took me an age to say it.  I sat there sobbing harder than ever before because in that moment I realised that if I said those words I could no longer hang my identity on those wounds.  I could no longer blame T for making me who I am.  I realised I would have to take responsibility for my own life and finally, I would have to move forward.  I wouldn't be "T's ex who was like this because he treated her so badly" I would be me; responsible for who I am.

After a while I managed to say it and it felt like a weight had been lifted.  I was free from him in that moment.  I had made more progress in making that statement than I had in weeks of therapy, but it is one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.  In that moment I had been faced with a choice; stay in my world of misery, stuck and never moving forward, or step through the door into a life where I could start to take control of my life.

So often we are afraid of success.  We are comfortable in the place where we are, no matter how painful it is.  We stay stuck because stuck is safe. We know how stuck works.  We can complain to our friends about our problems and get the sympathy we want. We can blame our lack of progress on the treatment we have received or the problems with live with.

Truly putting effort into working on new ways to feel better risks our life becoming completely different and we don't know how that works.  We will have to be brave and face new situations.  Finding healing means we will be a different person and we don't know who that is.

So next time, before you embark on another diet, a new type of complementary therapy or open a new self help book ask yourself, do you really want to become a different person?  Are you ready to find out what the new you looks like and the new challenges that come with it?  If the answer is no that is what you need to work on first rather than what you thought was most important to you.

I am hoping to use the new EFT techniques I am learning at the moment to work on this aspect.... but if I am successful I will then have accept that I am in charge of my life and I really can change things.  Time to try and make that leap again, I wonder if I am up to the task?  Why don't we try and leap together, holding hands!

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/

The third most important tool in the SAD toolbox - bloodymindedness!

Recently when posting on the SAD group I am with it was asked how you make yourself carry on when you feel so terrible... this was my response..

"When talking about how to use bloodymindedness; for me it's about refusing to be beaten. I think in my case it comes from growing up with a member of my family struggling with serious mental illness coupled with having a breakdown at 13 myself. I simply refuse to go back into those dark places so I push through it and just do what needs to be done. Which, for me, is going to work.

I do believe it really helps. A good example is last weekend. I had been feeling pretty grim on Sunday, I had meditated and ended up crying so was feeling pretty fragile. The day before I had suggested we visit some friends but we didn't go. Instead that afternoon hubby suggested we went. I wasn't showered or anything but I forced myself to go and make myself presentable. On the way there I was thinking I REALLY didn't want to go and asking myself why I hadn't just stood up for myself and said no?

When we left our friends house I felt so much better. Just being around different people who care about me, did me so much good.

Sometimes if we push through the lethargy and resistance we really do benefit 

Thinking on, it is also important to not identify with what you are feeling as permanent. Yes, in this moment I might just want to crawl under the quilt and hide, but if I am honest with myself, I know that feeling will pass. So, rather than thinking that what I am feeling is what I will always feel I accept it will pass I can help it on it's way by acting as if it already has.

It is a fine line, when something terrible happens like a death you need to validate your feelings and accept that at times there are emotions you need to feel and move through. When we push down these kinds of feelings we end up making ourselves ill.

But, when I know it is "simply brain chemistry", rather than a true response to a bad situation, it is important to look past it and not give it the same value. When we do this we can use bloodymindedness to MAKE ourselves carry on.

The great thing about SAD as opposed to classic depression, is we know it will pass, that it is only a matter of time and we know when that time will be. This means we can work to act as if we are already there.

If we let ourselves wallow in our misery (hey, I was doing this last week) we create a cycle of misery. We feel sad because we feel sad, we feel anxious because we feel anxious. In this process we make our situation so much worse.
 
Yeah, it is hard, bloody hard at times, but I do believe that in the long run, if we do this, moment by moment, we benefit from it greatly."

Are we really ready for freedom of speech?

There has been much said since the attacks against Charlie Hebdo in France on Wednesday and I don't want to go over the same old stuff.  What I would like to do is look at the deeper question that I think needs asking.

The way I see the recent attack is there are 2 completely separate issues at work here.  Pretty much everyone is talking about how freedom of speech is important and must be upheld. People should not be cowed into silence or be killed for what they say.  There is no argument there.

However, the deeper question that many fail to ask is why do people want to offend in the first place? 

It seems not only are people rushing to defend their freedom of speech but they are desperate to be able to offend people; to be able to find that one thing that will upset large groups of people and shout it from the tallest building, just because they can.

Why do people want to do this? And why are some people saying that we SHOULD do this? "Because we can" is simply not a good enough answer.

People often argue that there will always be someone that is offended, but by saying this they are missing the point.  Yes, it's true, you will always risk offending someone while you speak your truth.  The difference is that some purposely choose to offend, it's not some accident, it is purposeful.  And that is the problem.

Of course, when they have succeeded in their goal and people get upset these people often then go on to ridicule and offend people further

If this happened in a school it would be considered bullying, but somehow when we become adults we are allowed to intentionally upset people.  How is this ok?  

I believe we are being given an opportunity to ask this question and find a better use for these amusing artists. Why, rather than strive to upset people, can they not work to bring people together?

We are intelligent enough to know that these terrorists are evil people that have chosen a particular religion to use as a cause for their evil acts, whether they are aware of this or not is unimportant.

These are not the Muslims you meet on the street, so why do the satirists make such an effort to lump them together and upset them all? I am guessing because they are not intelligent enough to see the difference between the radical extremest and people trying to get on with their lives peacefully. 

Is this idiocy something we should celebrate and even encourage?
 
Although I deeply condemn the gunmen, I don't think satirists are free from blame. The sooner we are able to ask these deeper questions the sooner we can work towards peace.

The sooner we learn and accept that with freedom of speech comes with responsibility the sooner we can use it for the betterment of all.