Are we stuck in a pendulum swing?

In the past there was a focus on doing your duty to your country, your family, to society. Giving and not thinking of yourself was the right thing to do, and it was necessary at the time.  However it has led to the creation of a society of people pleasers with chronic low self esteem.  We feel terrible if we put ourselves first and sometimes we are even told we are selfish.

People are starting to rebel, and rightly so, but the pendulum has swung the other way and we are getting messages everywhere that we need to "do what makes you happy".  The motivation is wonderful, we do need to start to think about our needs and set healthy boundaries but this is the other extreme. 

I know people want us to start putting ourselves first, look after ourselves rather than just give give give... but there has to be balance, a middle ground. If we live our lives just giving then we are miserable, but if we spend our lives expecting everything to be wonderful because we are told to only do what makes us happy then we will still suffer.

In my opinion life is about giving when it is right to give, taking when it is right to take and learning to know which is appropriate in each moment.

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/

What kind of conversationalist are you?

For years I wondered why I struggled to hold a conversation with some people, I would ask how they were doing and all I would get back was one word answers.  I was mulling this over for some time and asked a healer friend what she thought... what she told me opened my eyes to a world of conversation issues I had no idea existed.  It turns out there are 2 kinds of conversationalists; questioners and story tellers.  When you get 2 people the same together all is well, but when you have one of each it all goes wrong.

Questioners
Questioners focus outwards, they ask the other person direct questions, such as "how is your aunt now?" or "how was your day at work?". When you get 2 questioners together the conversation is made up of short snippets back and forth as questions are asked and answered.  Questioners are often fairly open people happy to talk about themselves.

Story tellers
Story tellers are more inward focused and will either tell their own story or give the other space to tell theirs.  They are, in general, great listeners because they give space for the other person to say what they need.  These people are often quite complex and like their privacy, talking about themselves when they want to.



When it all goes wrong
As I mentioned, the problem starts when you get both kinds of people together.  The questioner gets frustrated because the story teller is taking too long to say what they need to say and they aren't asking the questioner how their day was.  The story teller gets frustrated because the questioner wants to rush ahead and keeps asking prying questions.

So, as a story teller, when I was asking my friend "what have you been up to?" I was giving them space to tell their story but wasn't being direct enough.

But what is the answer?
In understanding this we can learn to read people and understand their needs in a conversation.  If wide open questions are too big try to be more specific.  If it seems that the person takes a while to get to the point give them the space they need and know that when it comes to a time when you need to talk at length they will be the person to go to as they will sit quietly and wait until you are done.

Which are you, a story teller or a questioner?

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/

Global crisis - Are we ignoring the elephant in the room?

I may be sticking my neck out here and upsetting many people, but I honestly believe that there is only one way to resolve so many of the world's economic and environment problems and that is to look at population growth.

The need for financial growth
We are told that there is always need for growth in an economy, and why is that?  Well, I'm no economist but I can see that if the world's population continues to grow we need businesses to produce more, use more materials, use more power and make more money to pay more wages.

With a stable population there would be no need for this.

The environmental crisis
Where do we start?  Firstly, the above need for financial growth causes the need for more materials and energy to be used.  But, more people create more waste too.  More people need more fields torn up for more houses.  More people mean more cars, more food, more stuff!

With a stable population we wouldn't need more and we could stop concentrating on how to make more with limited resources and concentrate on how to make the most of what we have and how to deal with the mess we have made.

So how is this solved?  Should a Chinese style decree be made limiting the number of children we have?  No, personally I don't believe this is the enlightened way to achieve this.

What we need to do is change how we view parenthood completely.

I personally chose to not have children, for many reasons, one being that this planet doesn't need any more people.  I have been lucky, I haven't faced much prejudice for this choice, but I know there are people who are constantly bombarded with comments ranging from pity to being attacked for being selfish.  I'm not sure how not having kids is seen as selfish but that is the comment some people get.

 A paradigm shift is needed

There are so many messages as we are growing up that the "right thing to do" is get a job, find a partner and have kids. Society is flooded with it these messages, leading people to believe that it is their right to have children.

If we can challenge this paradigm and celebrate those that have chosen not to have children we can work to slow down population growth.  Rather than being expected to have a career and a family people will be more able to choose one or the other.  How many career minded people struggle to follow their dreams of rising through the business world but also meet what society expects of them by having children?  How many would choose to not have children if society didn't make it a requirement of "normality"?

The sooner we see the elephant in the room and start looking at how to slow population growth the sooner we can start solving so many other problems, until that time the elephant will be rampaging over any plans for a better world.

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/

I'm not perfect, and that's ok

We all have a picture or two in our minds of what "perfect" is and as a rule we don't match it.  For some it is a beautiful body, others may think it is a genius mind, maybe it's having a kind soul, or having lots of money or friends. 

We spend our lives beating ourselves up because we aren't that picture and we make ourselves miserable in the process.  We are not helped by the media that constantly shows us those very same pictures and tells us we are a failure if we don't attain that perfection.  

What if we learnt that it was totally ok to not be perfect?  What if rather than life being about working to become perfect it was about learning that it is ok to not be?  How would that change your view of yourself?

Next time you are comparing yourself to that image of perfection change it to you accepting that you are not perfect and want to be that person instead.

As a side note, those people in those pictures of perfection also have their own pictures of perfection and they too beat themselves up because they are not there.  The stunning beauty may really want to be the mathematician and constantly carries self hate as people adore them for their beauty.

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/

 

It's all about balance

I've had a bit of a revelation today and I would like to share it.

For the last 20 years I have been on a path of self development. I have studied to become a healer and over the years have joined meditation groups and the like, all in search of healing and a way to reconcile this world around me.

About 18 months ago I came to understand that I am HSP followed by learning I am an introvert. With this understanding I sought peace and calmness thinking this was what the problem was; too much stimulation, and, for the most part it has been great. I have also sought to immerse myself in the healing community in the area so I could network, meet like minded people and hopefully get some referrals.

What I realised this morning was, although this is really nice... where is the passion, the vibrancy, the energy?!?!?!? It's all so "nice and calm" and I need more than that!! Understanding that I am HSS/HSP has opened a new angle for me.... maybe there is a place in the world for crashing heavy metal, thumping beats, riding my motorbike at 90mph (on private roads of course ;) ) laughing, shouting, getting drunk, jumping around and making an arse of myself!!!

I want to do tai chi, meditation and work as a healer but I also I want to go dancing, have a drink and get lost in loud music, have a passionate conversation with someone rather than walking on eggshells safe in the knowledge the other person also wants a passionate conversation!

Where is the PASSION!?!?!?

So, that is my next goal... find the passion and balance it with the calm and peaceful... chainsaw juggling anyone?

Is this a healer's hardest lesson?

When we choose to start out on the path of the healer it seems like the hardest part is to learn whatever type of therapy you are training in.  Will you be able to connect to the energy?  Will you do it right? Can you remember all the information?  Will you be able to help people?

You work hard at your studies and practice on friends and family until the case studies are over, exams have been taken and you are qualified.  It feels like you have made it!

After qualifying the next challenge is to have faith in yourself.  Just like learning to drive, that first trip out on your own is nerve wracking and it takes a few sessions for you to trust that you can do this, that the energy will flow and you will follow your intuition and guides to do what is needed.

But, there is a lesson that comes after all this that can be so much harder; learning that some people aren't ready to get better.

As someone who has chosen to learn a complementary therapy you are already someone who looks for answers.  You are someone who sees a problem and wants to solve it and will use the tools necessary to do that.  You are on a path of growth and healing and it makes no sense that there are people who, no matter how you phrase offers of help, want to stay stuck and will ignore any suggestions of ways to grow or heal.

This is the hardest lesson for the healer; the lesson that we have to accept these people for who they are and where they are on their path.  It doesn't matter if we believe we can completely see what is necessary to ease their pain and suffering; that is not what we are here for.  We are here to walk beside them and offer the support they are able to accept.  We have to ensure we are not taking on the role of enabler where we unwittingly aid them in their self destruction but we have to allow them to make their own choices no matter how hard it is to watch.  All we can do is hope that, in time, they will choose to take the path of healing and look for ways to grow and heal.

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/

The importance of authenticity in healing

About a year ago I decided I needed to network more with the therapists in my area.  I set up a faceook profile that I could use for this.  I added random people that seemed to be working in the healing community in the area and to a certain extent it has been a great success.  I have met some lovely people, formed new friendships and it has been, for the most part, a positive experience. 

However, there has been an undercurrent of messages that has slowly wormed its way into my consciousness, and, it is possible I am going to piss people off for saying this, it what I became aware of was quite disturbing.

I can be a bit slow at times, something starts to filter through and initially all I feel is upset and "less than". After a period of deep listening I come to an understanding of what it is that is bothering me and when that happens I can start to look for the positive lesson in it.  In this case it was a lack of deep authenticity in the range of posts I was reading and those I felt I should make to be seen as a successful and effective healer.

Quite often in the healing and self development circles there is the ethos of "leading by example" and this is often manifested in the belief that we should somehow be more enlightened, more peaceful, more loving and compassionate than the ordinary Joe on the street.  The problem is, most of us just aren't there yet.  The intention is there, but there is still work to be done.

In normal day to day life we don't like to admit we are not perfect so we hide all our embarrassing aspects away and try to look normal.  Consider the level of hiding you have to do to try and be the "enlightened one" that leads by example?  It's almost impossible and actually quite damaging.

Over the past year I have felt I needed to hide my choice in music;  yes, I love Constance Demby's Sanctum Sanctorum, but in actual fact I also love listening to Ministry too.

I felt the need to hide the fact that I ride a motorbike and get drunk at bike rallies, swear, get angry, eat junk food, have controversial opinions, all the human traits that we are led to believe are not "enlightened".  Well, it ends here!

I personally believe that to truly "lead by example" we need to be utterly authentic.  We have to admit we have bad days when we just want to rant, or turn on the metal and kill monsters on the ps3.  Once we have admitted to being human we can then show that we have found solutions, learnt from our experiences, owned our reactions and grown as a result of it.  The yin-yang shows that in our light there is always darkness and in darkness light can be found.  In owning the whole we become more.

I also strongly believe that if we are to lead by example we have to make that example attainable.  It's no good me looking at an ascended master and wanting to be like them because it takes lifetimes to get to that stage.  But, if I can look at someone who has been through hell and not become bitter, then maybe that is something I can achieve and build on.

So, from now on I intend to learn to wear my human-ness  on my sleeve.  I will let people from the healing community see me in my bike leathers, wearing a metal t-shirt and swearing like a trooper.  It is an aspect of who I am and if people don't think it is enlightened enough for them then they are welcome to find someone else.

This in itself doesn't stop me being deeply in love with and connected to Spirit or able to work as a healer in any way, in fact, I would like to think that it not only makes me more approachable it also shows I will not judge others for their lifestyle choices.

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/

Honeysuckle - For when our thoughts are on the past

This is what Dr Bach said about the people he would give this remedy to; "Those who live much in the past, perhaps a time of great happiness, or memories of a lost friend, or ambitions which have not come true. They do not expect further happiness such as they have had."

Do you find yourself constantly wishing you were back in a time when things were happier?  Maybe you are homesick your childhood home or a relationship that has come to an end.  Honeysuckle helps us remember that there is always the possibility of good times in the future but we can't work towards them if our mind is stuck in the past.


Not all things that keep us in the past are good; do we hold old resentment for someone that is no longer in our life.  Here Honeysuckle helps us let go of the past and the paid held there.

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/

 

An Introvert Spring ~ But, we need to be careful.

18 months ago I started on a new journey of self exploration and understanding.  I had heard about the term HSP or Highly Sensitive Person and began learning about it.  From there I learned that many HSPs are introverts.  Having heard the word but not really knowing much about it that was the next stop in my research and in doing so a door was opened to a cavern of self understanding.

Finding out why I came home from having a great time at the pub with a blinding headache was an utter revelation.

Understanding why I don't cope with sudden changes of plan helped me handle it better when it happened.

Simply knowing that there were other people like me meant I could start doing what I enjoyed rather than trying to keep up with the extroverts who echarge through socialising.

Once I found out about this I went out to find other innies and it turns out there is a bit of an introvert spring going on.  People are working to get introversion understood so that we are not misclassified as depressed, shy or rude and I think this is wonderful.  But!  We need to tread carefully.

As with so many things that have been in the darkness for so long, when there is a shift it can create a pendulum swing effect; going from extreme to extreme.  Standing on the sidelines watching I am seeing articles coming out trying to teach people what introversion is and how to treat introverts but so many seem to be people stamping their feet insisting that everything is done their way.  Personally I don't believe that this is the way to make progress.  Yes, we need to be understood but if we act like a child that must get its way we will achieve nothing because the pendulum will soon swing the other way with the extroverts insisting that they have special treatment too.

As an introvert I do need people to understand me.  I need them to be aware that if I say I would rather not come out that is because I am tired and need some time on my own.  However, I also need to understand that if I never hang out with my friends they won't be friends for very long.

As an introvert I prefer the written word to talking as it gives me the time I need to form a sentence that truly says what I mean.  However, I also need to understand that other people are not as happy with writing or there is a sense of urgency and so prefer to talk.  This means I may prefer to text or e-mail someone but I also have to pick up the phone when someone calls.

Getting introversion accepted as a personality trait and not a mental illness is important but needs a balanced approach, give and take.  Introversion/extroversion is a continuum, a bell shaped curve with people at both extremes but the majority of people nearer the ambivert centre. 

If we show that we cannot accept personality traits that are different to ours how can we ask people to do the same for us.  This shift is necessary but it needs to be made carefully and with compassion if it is going to go well.

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/

Labels ~ love em or hate em?

I often hear people saying "I don't use labels, I am what I am" and I totally understand and on a surface level I agree.  Labels can cause a whole host of problems:

Labels limit
For instance, years ago I decided to label myself as Pagan.  I had learnt about the path and almost all I read made sense.  For a while I hung out with Pagans and stayed within that box, until Jesus appeared in a meditation during a solo ritual.  I pushed him away saying I wasn't Christian I was Pagan and because of that I couldn't work with him.

When he showed up a second time I realised I needed to rethink my choice of box and with a friend's help I came up with a new label Pagan Lightworker.  This is a great label because it is so open; part of me is Pagan and part of me is Lightworker.

Labels give the opportunity for judgement
Another way they can limit us is through misinformation.  If I tell someone I am Pagan I am opening myself up to being judged before they have got to know me.  They could instantly have me down as a "cannibalistic Satan worshipper" and not spend time getting to know the "tree hugging nature lover" that I actually am.

From here we can see that labels need to be used carefully, if we use them at all.  But why bother?


Labels bring people together
Sometimes labeling yourself, or an aspect of who you are, can help you learn and grow by giving you a search tool to find people who are similar that you can learn from.

When I realised I experience seasonal affective disorder I added that label to my life.  Some people prefer to say "it's just what happens in the winter" and go no further but in naming it SAD I was able to own it and seek out other people who have it and learn more and more about it.  In doing so I found souls that experienced the same kind of things and in doing so was able to learn and share coping strategies.

Again, when I realised that Introvert applies to me I was able to seek out other introverts and learn how to live a less stressful life.

How do you wear your labels?
In the end, like with so many things in life, it's not the label that is the problem, it's how you let it colour your life.  If a label limits you or allows people to judge you, think about how you go about using it.  Does it define you or does it help you find like minds?

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/

The lies we tell ourselves

I have been doing a bit of shadow work recently; digging around in the aspects of myself that I am not that keen on and would rather hide and hide from.  The recent aspect has been about how I view myself against what I believe a "good person" is; a perennial problem that reappears every now and then for me to chip away at.

As I have been working through this I found myself talking to someone who could be a mirror image of me in how they were dealing with a situation.

It's quite fascinating that when there is something we just can't get through our thick skull someone comes along and, as we talk to them, we find ourselves telling them what we need to hear ourselves. I've just been telling this person that when we are working on an aspect of ourselves we attract situations that either teach or test us so that we can either make progress or see how much progress we have made.  I found myself telling them that "We cannot learn to swim without finding ourselves in water."

This in itself was quite enlightening and I thank this person for coming forward to help me see this but I also found myself talking about the lies we tell ourselves.

Last week, in the depths of self hate I heard a murmur from The Guys Upstairs telling me I needed to go and talk to them.  I had just been listening to a Kryon message saying that rather than going to Spirit asking for help we should go asking what we can do.  With this in mind I popped into my therapy room, asked some stone spirits to join me and started my little meditation routine.

I always start with grounding breaths and sending a cord of light down into Mother Earth.  Often it is a simple handshake to tether me before reaching up but sometimes Gaia is there to give me a hug before I head off up to Spirit.

This time she wouldn't let me go; I wasn't leaving because she had something to say.

I listened for a while to how I am not the terrible person I believe myself to be but it was clear it wasn't working.  To make the point clearer she held out her hand and she showed me the spark of Spirit that I hold within myself.  I was speechless; stunned at it's beauty.

Holding it out to me she placed it in my heart reminding me that every person on the planet has this inside themselves and I began to sob. I could no longer hide from the fact that I may not be a bad person after all.  How could I be when I hold such beauty deep inside me?


And this is the point: we are taught from an early age that to be "a good person" we have to appear a certain way.  We have to fulfil certain criteria and anything outside those parameters must be hidden.

Of course, as we move through life we are given different messages by different people but the ones that are repeated become the lies we tell ourselves.   

• I must have a certain figure
• I must not hurt people's feelings at any cost
• I must not stand out or have beliefs that differ from other people
• I must have "cookie cutter" sexual preferences
• I must dress a certain way

As soon as we realised that we break one of these, or any other "rules" we tell ourselves we are wrong and the lies begin.  They become part of our lives "I am ugly", "I upset people no matter how hard I try not to", "people would judge me if only they knew a, b or c"

After I met with Gaia I realised it was important for me to ascertain what a "bad person" actually is.  This is what I came up with:

• A bad person harms people and animals for pleasure

That's it....  that's all I can come up with. And you know what?  I am not that person!  Are you?  Probably not.

So, when we find we are telling ourselves those lies hold it up against my "bad person" criteria.

• If there were no stereotypes on beauty would you be happy with your figure?  If the answer is yes then be happy.  
• Did you try not to hurt that person's feelings?  Yes, but they got hurt anyway?  Well then maybe that is their problem not yours.
• Do your beliefs harm people?  No, then it is their narrow mindedness that is the problem
• Do your sexual preferences harm other people?  No, then go have fun!
• Do you harm people by the way you dress?  No, then wear it with pride!

We need to keep countering the lies; noticing them when we repeat them to ourselves and running them through the criteria. Am I harming anyone on purpose? No, then that is fine!

 I'm not there yet.  I am, as always, work in progress, but the key word is progress!

Of course, as a side note. we can apply these criteria to other people too before we jump to judge those that have wronged us.  Something else to ponder methinks.

Visit my website to learn about my healing practice  

http://www.crystaloak.moonfruit.co.uk/